by Sergey Roganov
The gift to mankind on the threshold of new century.
From the beginning of new Russian revolution (Perestroyka) I decided that I was godman. Why not? New image was better then old soviet "young communist". We need to create new earth world like as earth gods but our worldwide recreation failed. Everybody agree with me, that if I should to die (because communism is destroyed) I'll better die as godman. This "godman" sounds more solemnly. Or maybe you think I should to tear or to hide Party-membership card and become russian democrat and rush into church? Don't trouble, I wasn't member of Communist party but , all the same, I dreamt to create new earth world. I was free godman like as many others.
For the first time I wanted to die when I was offered to make a suicide, or, in other words, to repent. New Russian "democrats" (former party members) cried: "Repent! Repent!" I couldn't repent - that wasn't the matter whether you were a member of communist party or not - all soviet people were communist or, as Dostoevsky said "godmans". We get accustom that on the one hand the history must die especially when we tired to watch how our epoch conquers peaks, on the second hand sometimes, regretfully, every person dies. We like to watch when the history dies, we always hope for something and we are always sure that the death of history is the death of old generation, government or party structures. But what should we do when whole epoch must die, when all our life become dying of our whole word? Certainly, I can cry out "I shall not dream to rebuild world as communist, I shall not fight against enemies of soviet people" but all the same, we want to build a New World in some or other way, and in spite of our social revolution, we all remain "soviet" people, communist or "godmankind".
But nobody believes that it is he who must die when new epoch eagerly seek for renovation. All of us aspire to be among new generations or schools of thought that renovate the nations or nation culture. You may simply discuss with others where is your place in coming renovation an then you may become culture treasure, so as you find your new place and defend it. And there is one problem. I decided I wouldn't become a new russian soul. I look in the west - the earth world seek for new values and demand renovation too.
We always need to recreate something like as many people need too. That is not the matter what we need to create - new soviet epoch, new metaphysic, new ethic. All of us always want to ruin old values, history, theories and to create something new. But I was godman and I couldn't simply accept new way of thinking with new ideas. One can withdraw one's opinion but I should refuse from myself. Maybe I should die somewhere and never begin to cry out " The Godman is dead, listen to me attentively -the godman is dead, dead, dead!" I remember in ninetieth century somebody cried: "The god is dead" and greet godman but whom I should greet now, when I am dead as godman? I must greet human being, mankind as a whole and so on. I gladly agree. But it seems to me that we hurry to die as communists, precisely speaking, we hurry to cry that we are dead (everybody agree that such repenting allows us to live eternally). All of us aspire for eternity in some or other way, but it is eternity that I lost. Are you aware what does it mean " To lose eternity or to die?". As godman I get accustom to do something with my own hands only. If Soviet Union ruin, it is me who must ruin itself first of all. Nothing more.
Once upon a time I got to know that god was dead. I didn't know. I always was indifferent to death of god. Neither god nor ontology interest me. I was god and ontology for myself and I needn't any help to rule myself. I couldn't accept repentance of soviet people it was pity and I felt an aversion to repentance - I never was a slave, never. I was young and decide remain free man and die as absolutely free human being. Repentance or suicide?. I needn't repentance so I needn't suicide. But all the same I should try to die. Somebody dies, somebody starts.
One problem remains - I can't die. Can you die? I can't. My death always belongs to Nature, God or communists. And if we believe only in ourselves, all of us are suicides without such skill murders. All the more that, truly speaking, natural death for me is the death without man who really dies. I can die only when I die with my own earth efforts, with my own hands. We struggle for freedom for human beings and now what do we need yet? Who am I then? I am suicide. Lets think over this again. How can the epoch dies when generations refuse to realize death of epoch, or, in other words, they don't want to have such goals to die themselves? The death of epoch is the social death of generations. When generation wants to live eternally, the history of nation become ruthless and endless.
It appears, nobody need to die in the world. Are you need to die personally? To be sure, you needn't. But what is the man who doesn't need to die? Only a mould of eternity. And the main problem which I tried to decide - whom belong the realization of my own death to? To Nature? To God? If you like to seek for sense of human death and for place of death in human life, you must answer this simple question - "What is the sense of realization of one's own death? Where is the place in human life where human can realize its own death?" I followed my life step by step and only now I know the single solution of that problem - the realization of my own death may belong only to me, and must belong to me. That is not the matter whether I am godman or human being. My death belong only to me. Nobody else. I realize my own death with my own hands like as everybody does.
Truly speaking, we can't blame other nations in destroying soviet system. All of us want to renew old Leninist values or values from the west, that seem to us very attractive and modern. Now this is the past of our history. To be sure, we prayed for ourselves and revolution seemed to many of us as very lucrative process. I can't clear explain now what inspire me not simply to die but think over all visible history of our culture - what can godman else? Only to think over the whole history. If you need to know you should watch all my life from the beginning till present day. This is another story. But if you want to look at sincere story you may read this brief note. At first my need-to-death wasn't the invention of failure-suicide, it was only refusal to enter new russian world. I tried only to be sincere but now I can say more not only to myself - who can't die, never can be born. What do we seek for on the threshold of new millennium? Briefly speaking, our memory reads as follows:
"To realize the death - this is the deed of earth man. Everybody will die some day, everybody can think over this coming event, but who realize its own death? Everybody. Who can realize the human death except the man itself? Nobody. Now we all are like suicides - the sense of my own death reveals as my earth possibility to realize it, and this deed is only my deed, and only as the sense of realization of my own death it belong to me. It is very easy to decide when theory, or metaphysic, or culture must die but what we can decide about our own death?" Where can I realize my death? Nowhere. And this is the second problem. Should I die? Should I realize my death? And what should I die for? I know many answers but at this stage it is not interesting for me what others think about this point. If my life is impossible without realization of my own death, so what does for my life mean this question and answer?
I wish to die but I don't wish to resort to assistance of psychiatrist or to die by means of traditional methods of suicide. Whether everybody who needs the death require somebody's help? Whether everybody who needs its own death is ill? If our century builds the New World of human being, where there is a human death without fail, who prevent me not to admire last instant event of everybody's life in the mirror of my consciousness, but to realize personally that last event of my earth way? And at the same time I can't realize my own death because, as you know, when I exist there is not any my death, when my death exists there isn't any "me". You may play with words, with logic but when somebody die there is not any words and logic. This is the beautiful idea to die, and, certainly, I agree to die not only with my own generation but I am agree to die personally but maybe the god can realize my own death better then I try to realize.
I think that it is only I who is a godman because I believe in eternity of our history way, because I believe in my own eternity. But, really, it appears that everybody in our world is godman - all we get accustomed to earth eternity - all our deeds - that never can die, especially when it is our own dreams, theories and so on. One can destroy somebody's dreams but dreams can't die, one can destroy plans, ethics, culture but these human deeds don't need to die to become real earth events. Earth events rarely need death, and therefore, they exist like as earth human being, without realization of its own death. I am not right, I am not lone godman. Godmankind enter third millennium destroying old values as if old values can't die. The murder remains universal instrument of human relation. That is not the matter who is the murder and our century reveal for us eternal beauty of social murder when we built new history - revolutions, civil wars, two world wars; eternal beauty of criticism - we tried from the beginning of our century put an end to rationalism, to metaphysic, to religion, to old culture and so on. You may not kill somebody to prove you are murder. You may only take one's own death, or, in other words, all of us know that we must struggle for right-to-live, but who knows that everybody needs right-to-death too.
I understand that I'll perish if I couldn't to die. This is not the words but my daily being. I need death to stand in impetuous world of russian history; I need the death to stand in itself because I needn't new personal image, new social place.
I was so astonished by such conclusion that I forgot the death of epoch, the death of soviet union at once. I must die and I need to die or maybe I feel that it would be better to die - I don't remember. One can easy understand the death of history or the death of philosophy, and it is very interesting to declare the ruin of old values and to bury something and it isn't interesting absolutely to me to bury myself as a member of social group or as philosopher.
That is so funny how the human thought plays with human death. I am human being and like to play too. Why not? Let's take apart such play with words and with our death. We can't solve this puzzle because from the beginning we follow wrong way, and solution is not the realm of logic or language cunning. Not only the god and gods are dead, but the death of lonely man, or in other words, person and so on, in the shadow of any religion (metaphysic, cultures) is dead too.
We play with death that is dead now. Only for murder the human death may be instant event but for real earth man the human death may be only the history, the real earth history. The man is not born as mortal being but he becomes mortal one. The human death is human earth history that absolutely belong to man, and only as earth history it belongs to man itself, and only in a such way he can realize its own death. Only now I can answer for question why should I die. If I shouldn't to die, should I live? We absolutely forget that we are hostages of eternity not only when we seek for something beyond universal, but we always hostage of eternity when we forget our own end. The man must die to remain earth real being and he can die because its death belongs to him here, on the earth. The human death is earth history like as the human life. We must remember now and I want to emphasize - we don't find such death somewhere in the history and it isn't the matter where we can find such death. It is important for us that we resolve the problem of our person modern history, it is important that such death is my own choice to stand in itself and to allow others to begin its own history.
Our notion of death remains in the realm of Christian culture. The god was dead long ago but we still look at our death as if it belongs somebody else. Natural death, being-towards-death: what else? Nobody esteems a man as natural being in our century. But the human death remains natural event and common interpretation of this event remains in the field of natural understanding. We still divide our existence in two parts and if we have left natural rationalism of self-understanding, the interpretation of human death doesn't leave natural notions. There isn't any "after" for me after my death. My cadaver isn't my death and notions of cadaver's process are not notions of my death. The tragic interpretation of coming event plays with tragedy of human being. Slaves have not death, they can be murdered but never can die. The god is dead for me because I can die with my own earth efforts and as I can die I become really free human being.
We don't believe in our earth death because we remain slaves of eternity. And we create eternally ideas as if we never can die, as if it is absolutely impossible for us to die. Then how can we live? How can we come to an end? How can we seek for truth if we can't keep our ground? How we can create something new? Any creation comes to an end only when it enter its own non-being when it become the history of death and only then any creation becomes real human deed.
We know only the man, which exist only in our consciousness. Let it be. Maybe only such image allows us to understand itself. Let it be. I agree to adopt any point of view now and as our modern history teaches us, any point of view can exist like as any nation, school of thought, cultures and so on. Let it be. But when we begin new historic epoch or human life, we must remember that we can't keep ours ground. The being is only being. But we say now about man. Only the man can keep both being and non-being and only in such way he can come true. The death allows man to keep itself and this history of human death can develop only when man destroy himself.
We mustn't now seek for new words or theories on the threshold of new century. I think we are tired from new words. We mustn't struggle with old world - we must understand its own history of earth death and understand how can we start our way it the future, understand the history of our becoming and understand that we can't start without the death of old culture or, precisely speaking, our new history can start only when start the history of old word's death. The old world can die with its own efforts like as we will die or in other way, as eternal being, we can't remain any culture for our children.
And the main goal of my earth research is - we mustn't now seek for new theories and as to me, I must to think over the death of my own theory, of my own point of view like as my own personal death. Be sure, man always will seek for new view, because he is always only the man. It is not the problem to find new ontology and mankind proves this every century and will prove till comes to an end. But any new view inevitably becomes illusion and even illusion should die to remain in human memory as real human illusion. That (to die) is only my own deed like as my whole earth way otherwise I never can say something like as I never can live without realization of my death..
Instead of eternal question "Who is right?" I should seek for death now of my own realm. Only then, when I'll come to contradictions, to deadlock of my own understanding, I can be sure that I am right, because my point of view vanish like as I'll vanish finally (but only after my earth way, after my death).
Nobody needs to invent its death and I am too. I always thought that my death would be something solemn and interest, but really it happened as prose event and like as people don't note the death of somebody at once and must get accustomed to "dead" body of relatives or friends, so I didn't accustomed to my own death at once. When I wrought the book " The gospel from godman. Posthumously. Personally" I fully understood that I was died. And I could look at cadaver of my "main" conception. My owls of Minerva flew in the twilight of my earth way. I got the possibility to speak clearly, to listen attentively each person. People don't know their death yet and they still think like as young gods. The history of earth human non-being as necessary historic stage of everybody's earth way need to be revealed. The plain stream of human being explodes in a different stages of human existence. There aren't pure consciousness, existence, soul and so on. We must understand yet when we are alive and when we are dead. Is it interesting? Yes, it is...but don't forget - only for us.
The future is free and one mustn't to offend future, or in other word, teach the future generations. Let remain with our problems and let's be sincere. Mortal eternity - earth people make only first steps to understanding of their earth way, their life and dearth, the place both life and death in the world history and in the history of every person. Moreover, earth being of human death is really non-being of a murder, of ruthless revolution, of terrorism. The future belongs to Homo mortem. The ethics for new millennium may be only as a new approach to understanding of finite human being. Finite human being needs not only the speaking, speaking, but the end, the death of chatter. Finite man needs real earth deeds - both life and death. Nothing more. The world has altered now and we alter too. Not only old humanism is dead but the death of lonely slave is dead. Right-to-death belong not only to ill human being but also to every earth person, now we come to an end. There will not be any new worlds for us. And maybe now we can accept silence?. We can't build the New World among many nations, states and religions if we forget how we can die or what it means for us finite human being. Without death we fail to understand not only each other but ourselves and may be it is our choice - don't understand each other and cry out in the future or in the past - "Give us eternity, give us eternity!" For what?
[After Post-Modernism Conference. Copyright 1997.]